‘whether it is a last effort or a first step, it is the determined life that lives’

©Lives for Living 2011

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Counselling, Psychotherapy & Hypnotherapy

Private Practice, Bolton, Greater Manchester

Lives for Living

Understanding Bereavement

Whether you are grieving or supporting someone who is grieving I hope that the following information will be of use to you. Grieving is a very personal and individual experience, your bereavement is as unique as your relationship with the deceased. Nevertheless, we also recognise that many people go through similar experiences. These experiences can be very powerful. The death of a loved one is possibly one of the most painful emotional experiences in life. Often the feelings are so powerful it is difficult to know if ones thoughts and feelings are abnormal.

Your Feelings

The death of someone close to you may bring new, strange and sometimes frightening feelings. Everyone’s reaction is different. Everyone’s way of coping with these feelings are different. However, within these personal experiences of grieving most people share some common emotional and physical symptoms. These include:

• shock , numbness, fear , helplessness, sadness, despair, guilt, longing, anger

You may not feel any of these emotions, or you may experience all them. You may also find them difficult to identify distinctly at first. What you may experience, at least in the beginning, is a great muddle of different, often contradictory, emotions. Sometimes these very uncomfortable feelings can be difficult to acknowledge even to yourself. As the immediate shock of the death fades you may find yourself swinging between different feelings and emotions. There is no ‘right’ way of dealing with your emotions and you need to do what is comfortable for you. However, in the end, the pain of your loss is better faced than avoided

Physical Effects

Often accompanying your feelings are a variety of physical symptoms, such as:

• Sleeplessness,tiredness, nausea, dizziness, palpitations, loss of memory, inability to concentrate,muscular tension, neck, back and headaches, panic attacks

A common experience in bereavement is to suffer from symptoms similar to those of the person who has died. It is a good idea to have these checked out by your doctor.

Anger

Feelings of anger are a very common experience after someone has died. It may be that your feelings of anger, grievance, bitterness and injustice are so far from your normal nature that it shocks and upsets you. Anger, however, often accompanies fear and your world may have become a lonely and frightening place. You may feel angry at the person who has died and left you or at God for allowing it to happen, or even with those close to you who do not seem as upset as you are. You may be angry with the health care professionals who were involved during the illness or at the time of death. Sometimes there is a reasonable cause for your anger, but even if there is not, the feeling is still there. You may find this hard to talk about but it is important you do, since these are very natural and common feelings.

Guilt

Guilt can be very destructive, making you feel bad about yourself. These feelings may arise when you look back at what might have been. It is normal to feel at times that things would have been different if you had acted differently. There may be regrets for things said or not said; things done or not done. We are all human, and some misunderstandings and disagreements are inevitable in our relationships

Living with the Pain and Moving On

At some stage you will find that your feelings of sadness may become less intense and interrupted by feelings of pleasure. As the weeks and months go by your life will feel different; this does not mean that you no longer care about the dead person - but rather the rawness of your pain lessens. Whilst there is no definite point in time which signals an end to your grieving, you do learn to adapt to a different life without the person who has died you begin to be able to make plans for the future, a holiday perhaps, or become more involved in local and social activities. Although this may seem disloyal, what has happened in the past will always be part of you, and will not be affected by your enjoyment of the present.

Looking After Yourself

It helps if you can express your emotions and let your family, friends and children share in your grief. Try not to bottle up your feelings. It can be tempting to isolate yourself. Try to accept offers of comfort and support from those around you. In your own time, you could involve yourself in social activities.

It is important to care for yourself, so pay attention to your eating and sleeping and keep life as normal as possible. If you feel that your grief is continually overwhelming you it can be helpful to seek the support and advice of the Bereavement Service or your GP.

You may find that contacting old friends is difficult at this time - keeping up your friendships can help you not to make loneliness a way of life. Do have an alcoholic drink if it comforts you or aids sleeping, but don’t overdo it.

It is not always a good time to make any major decisions, such as moving house, but don’t be afraid to make plans for the future, however simple. Be kind to yourself, give yourself time and space to grieve. Take life at your own pace

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